I didn't post anything yesterday. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about an experience I had Saturday night. Most of you who have been following me for awhile now know I just celebrated the one year anniversary of a moment I can never forget. It's a vivid moment like these shots of the moon I took tonight.
Sometimes memories will shine down on one's heart and create a ripple effect just like the reflection of the moon on the water. You may not see a full moon if it's hidden behind clouds. But once the moon slips out from behind the cloud cover there's no denying it's presence.
PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is kind of like that. It's like having a wound that no one can see until various reasons or situations, some of which make no sense at all, cause it to start bleeding. I had a sudden, severe bout 0f PTSD Saturday night driving home from a really great evening. Suddenly the memories, the reflections, images, sights and sounds of the auto accident I'd been in over a year ago crashed into me again. Suddenly, and with no mercy. As suddenly as the car that hit us---the thoughts were back---triggered by some young guys driving erratically. The sounds of their speeding motorcycles, and cars zooming past our car felt like a thousand shards of glass piercing my body.
I was instantly reduced to a sobbing, terrified hostage to my thoughts, my memories, and my worst fears. I couldn't breathe, my throat closed up, my pulse and heart rate increased dramatically. I felt caged; I felt trapped. One hand instinctively reached to cover my eyes, and moved as quickly to cover my mouth to hold back a scream. That scream got stuck in my throat like a jagged rock. In my other hand I held a beautiful mason jar full of flowers I just been given by two beautiful sister's at one of the art galleries we just come from.
Bleeding Hearts, Queen Anne's Lace, and some other fairy garden varieties with perfume spilling out of them like heavenly scented clouds. I gripped the bottom of the Mason jar so hard I'm surprised I didn't break it. My hand ached from the imprints the jar left on it.
In an instant a wonderful evening was tweaked by an unwelcome flashback. I'd not had one that severe for awhile. It crushed my previous notion I was out of the woods, and finally free from panic-anxiety attacks. I was blind-sided...unexpectedly just like the car accident.
I'll need to smell these lovely flowers a little more intently. Gaze at the moon for hidden messages of hope, and encouragement. Write about my fears out in the open to give them less room to breed inside my heart. Blog about it to my dear blog friends... Vent, and humbly ask for a couple of "Go get em' Lille!!" "You can do it" You're not a big baby. Moments like these will become less and less..."
For more understanding about PTSD, I suggest you read Rain at "Mountain Mamma" or Owen at Magic Lantern Showen . These two people have helped me tremendously to gain insights to recovery, "am I normal???" questions or is it normal if this... or this.... or that happens... I receive hope, and insight from them just by visiting their blogs. Thank you, Rain, and Owen.
If you are newer to my blog, read more about why I started the blog or about the accident listed in the labels....
And thank you dear friends who faithfully come by the tree house to visit. I love how you all make charming, encouraging and down-right funny comments on my blog.... Thank you~~