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Tuesday, December 29, 2009


All morning I've been watching the snow fall. Flurries, and dense patches of frosty stars falling, or floating, depending on how you look at it. Swirling, and dancing. Silent, intricate universes as individual as we are. It's hypnotic--watching snowflakes fall. It feels like I'm inside a snow globe except the snow is on the outside, and I'm on the inside looking out. I'm pondering the snowflakes, and my navel, with a new year on the horizon.

In watching the snow fall, I realized, all that really matters is this moment, and finding the joy in life no matter how much or how little "snow" falls on my world. So for the rest of the day, or at least for a moment, ( I cannot even begin to tackle the "hugeness" of the entire next year) I'd like to live as free as a snowflake inside my heart. Yesterday is something I cannot change, and tomorrow (should I be blessed enough to have one) is not yet here. I have this one shot at making my life as joyful as a dancing snowflake or as turbulent as a blizzard.

This snow globe perspective isn't a once a year kind of thinking for me. I probably over think most things on most days, and waste way too much time in the "what-ifs" or "I shoulda's". But there's something about hanging up a new calendar that shifts my core, and allows me to begin thinking about new beginnings.

Is it any wonder mankind sees snow a sign of purity? Or a new year as turning over a new leaf? Or white as a symbol of cleanliness? Is it a fluke that a new year falls in winter just as a snowflake does? If snowflakes could sing, would my life song be singing in harmony with them? If my life were a snow globe would others look in on my world and want to be a part of it?

Maybe I should keep my snow globe out all year long to shake up a fresh, snowfall of JOY whenever I need a fresh perspective, or a clean slate to start over if I get muddied-up. Or if I just need a reminder of the JOY that all children see inside a snowflake. Yes... I rather like that New Year's resolution.

I welcome you with joy.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Tis the season to be

Opie Taylor knows how to "be"...
Peaceful, Joyful, and Grateful
For all things, in all ways

This holiday season I'm going to follow his example.
I'm not adding stress to my Christmas list
Just joy, love, and peace.

Happy Holidayz, my dear friends,
and readers.
Opie Taylor, Superman, Wonder Dog,
Dylan, Jake, Ash, Emery and I
Wish you a Season
Full of Love, Joy, and Peace.
May you find a pair of Sassy Monkey Pantz
under your tree or inside a package.
Remember "One Size Fitz All"

I'll be back after Christmas...
But will try to stop by to wish
as many of you as I can get to...
Happy Holidayz
and to ask you....
If you have your monkey pantz on...

NOTE: These pics were taken last year at my beloved Tree House. I'll post pics later of my peaceful hippy, bohemian style Christmas here at the Lily Pad. I have kept it simple, sweet, and stress-less.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

A Wake Up Call

Looking at this picture I clipped from a video I made last week, I can see I had no idea in a few minutes I was about to learn something about myself that would give me a major wake-up call. Sometimes moments like these are the perfect gift to give yourself. The eye popping moments that shake you to your core, rock you & cause you to feel like you've just been hit by a stun gun. But in actual fact, I opened an early Christmas present given to me by the Universe. It's just what I needed to approach this next year with renewed determination. I'm sharing it with you.

I know I resemble a deer caught in the head lights in this picture, and rightly so. With these festive monkey pants adorning my back side, and bright blue top, I should be considered legally blind. If you are scratching your head, and wondering , "WTFlip are monkey pants?" Go to my sidebar where my Lilyputian Dictionary is. The definition is there, along with other unique words I've "fashion" together. I know I'm not the only one who makes words up.... ahem. Besides everyone needs a custom pair of monkey pants fitted just for them. And on some days, you just gotta wear what makes you happy even if you look like a huge sheet of wrapping paper....

Here's the gift I opened.
To Me, With Love From 2010, and beyond...
Click Here : A Wake Up Call

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Wii Wii Wii all the way home

Monkey pantzzzzzzz weigh more than you think.

Film at 11:00
Or right now.....
Check it out...Yikes

Fleas on my Dog aka Feliz Favidad

Fleazzzzz on my dog.... lalalala
Fleazzzzz on my dog.... lalalala

Oh wait we don't have a dog.

OK then....
Feliz Navidad...
Feliz Navidad...
We want to wish you a Merry Christmas...
Happy Holidays....
Happy Hanuka.....
Happy Saturday....
Or anything else important you celebrate
And may your New Year be merry and bright.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


New art, "Gratitude Reigned on Her Parade", by Lille Diane
I'm taking an art class, The Goddess and the Poet" with Suzi Blu.
This painting is inside a journal book.
YOU can do this too!
It's an online class & Suzi is a great teacher!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Smoke Free One Year Anniversary

I did it! It's been a full year. No cigarettes. No coughing when I laugh. No smelly clothes, breath, hair, car, house, fingers, furniture, drapes.... I can hold my grandson knowing he will not have any 3rd hand smoke from my clothes touching his sweet face. I can kiss Superman without going through the de-stink ritual. I don't have to stand out in the frigid winter air outside a restaurant to puff. I don't have to run out at 11:00 pm to get a pack just in case the 3 cigarettes I have left may not get me through the night.

I have saved a ton of money. Average pack is $5.oo. I was smoking 1.5-2 packs a day. That's roughly $275-350 a month.

My reward [besides better health] will be getting my teeth whitened.
Yeah, baby! I totally deserve it!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Story Behind This Time Tomorrow

I'm sure you've all noticed my new header. Superman encouraged me to use this piece of art I drew, and painted a few months ago as my header. I reluctantly agreed to tear it out of my art journal and scan it to see if I liked it. To my surprise, I did like it. I really, really liked it. The only thing missing was the cat, Opie Taylor, who sports the monkey pants on this blog. That sketch came about in under 15 minutes from start to finish. If all of life could be that easy...

Some of you noticed I put "This Time Tomorrow" back on as my blog title. What I'm not sure of is if I told you why I selected "This Time Tomorrow" as my blog title in the first place.

I've played a game with myself for as long as I can remember called this time tomorrow. It helps me get through upcoming things that are difficult, and keeps the ants in my pants from eating me alive when I'm anticipating something fun in my future that hasn't happened yet. Like the time I was asked to open for singer-song writer, Wayne Watson, in 1989 at a concert in Oxnard, CA, a Dove and Grammy award winner. I was so honored, and excited to be the opening singer for one of my favorite Christian singers, I could hardly breathe, eat, sleep or think. I played the game "This Time Tomorrow" with myself so I could survive the weeks waiting for the concert to arrive without popping into a kazillion peices.

Wayne Watson, me, and Scott Alan DJ at KDAR in Oxnard, CA
big smile, big shoulder pads & big hair... love the 80's

But enough about big hair, and stuff. Here's how the game goes....

If there was a test at school that I dreaded, I'd think about the day and time of the test, then I'd say to myself, "This time next Friday, I'll be taking the math test." This would give me the mental time--mental because I rarely, IF ever, cracked a book for a math test--to psych myself up for the test. It's like saying, "OK I have 6 more days to worry about that or not worry about it." But I'd always visualize myself in the situation whether it was 6 days away, or this time tomorrow. It gave me some time to feel it before I got there.

I once used the game to help me heal after having an abortion. I sank into a deep depression afterward because I felt I didn't have a choice in the matter. I wrote a story about my horrible ordeal with the "this time tomorrow" theme. In my short story I dread the upcoming scheduled event, and acknowledge my fear, and remorse, by counting down the days, hours, and minutes before the abortion by playing the game, "This time tomorrow".

I approach the trip to the clinic with a new inner strength because I realize I have an alternative choice. I begin to feel strong, and am willing to voice what "I want to do"--not what I felt someone else wanted me to do. At the last minute, I get up off the table, and walk away without having the abortion. My baby is safe, and so am I. I awaken later to discover I only dreamed I had walked away while I was under the anesthesia having the abortion. Somehow this comforts me because I know in my heart, and spirit, I would have done it differently had the choices been presented to me in another way. Writing about this with the theme of this time tomorrow as the story's base allowed me to heal, and in time, forgive myself. It's a mental game I use to get me through something I dread, or to remind me in 24 hours I can open the gifts under the Christmas tree.

"This time tomorrow I will be at the clinic sitting in the waiting room."

"This time tomorrow I'll be singing in front of thousands of people on the same stage with Wayne Watson."

"This time tomorrow I'll be boarding the plane to Italy."

"This time tomorrow I'll be getting a tooth pulled."

"This time tomorrow I'll be one day closer to being healed from PTSD."

When I decided to start blogging about having PTSD, I pondered a title. I knew writing had helped me in the past to heal from so many things, and suddenly "This Time Tomorrow" popped into my head. That theme had helped me heal before maybe it could now some 30 years later. I realized each day I work through this it brings me closer to this time tomorrow when I'll be totally healed, whole and helping others heal from PTSD, too.

Some of you will get this silly game I play, and some of you will shake your heads and mumble, "HUH?" Humor me--OK? I'm also the one who goes on AND on about monkey pants. Some of you get the concept of monkey pants, too, and some of you don't. Monkey pants are my unique way of reminding myself to keep an attitude of silliness, to keep laughing at myself, and remain childlike in the way I look at life. Silly is good. It helps my serious, fearful heart remember to lighten up. I need my monkey pants on so I will keep on keeping on. Simple as that.

Thank you, Dylan, for always being there with me, monkey pants on, and ready to face whatever this time tomorrow brings us. Thank you, Superman, for believing in me today or this time tomorrow or for as long as it takes for me to get well.

Thank you bloggy friends for putting up with all my monkey shines... Oh, and will you all please let Opie Taylor know the stripes and polka dots DO NOT make his butt look big. He wanted stars on his monkey pants.... I can fix that, too. This time tomorrow...

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Tales of the Titmouse

Topa Topa Mountain in Ojai, CA.
The Pink Moment
The brief moment when the sunset turns the mountain face a radiant pink.

Yesterday a long awaited gift arrived. It's a gift that spent 20 years (probably more than twenty) traveling through the heart, and mind, of a talented soul searching for just the right words, and message to send to its readers. The gift is a newly published book by my dear, long time friend, Pamela Barrett. "Tales of the Titmouse", One Woman's Journey Out of Darkness, you can find it on Amazon by clicking HERE.

I remember Pam reading excerpts over the phone to me in the late 80's, and being mesmerized by every word. I stood there with the phone cupped to my ear, and knew Pam was on her way to becoming a published author. Pam and I go way back to the early 70's. I used to work for her Dad as a waitress in his restaurant/coffee shop (I worked for him years later at another restaurant in Ojai, CA, named the Sand Dollar, where many of my friends in the band, The Country Z Men, went on to play with Jimmy Messina, and Clint Black). Pam helped him manage the coffee shop and played hostess with the mostest.

It's in this very same restaurant I met another dear friend, Penny (she's featured in the book) who later became my maid of honor at my wedding. Penny was my ultimate roll model for becoming a hippy, a true hippy. Her husband was an artist, and hanging out at her house was sheer bliss for me--an aspiring artist, musician and hippy-wanna-be-flower-child. I spent many hours curled up at Penny's feet in her plant shop gleaning life skills, and ideas of what to do with my life.

Sweet, sweet Ojai, CA, "The Valley of the Moon" as it is called by the Chumash Indians. Locals also refer to it as the "nest". Although the three of us no longer live there, Ojai will forever live in us. The pictures taken of me with my band Silver Rose were taken in front of a house both Pam and I lived in. Our lives have criss-crossed, and paralleled in so many ways, you'd have thought we planned it that way. We didn't. Perhaps it's because all three of us have a genuine hunger for spiritual matters, and long for our Higher Powers to lead us on a path of understanding, love and serenity.

Pam's story will remind you of how we are all searching for answers, for truth, for love, for acceptance, but especially for hope. If you need a gift of encouragement for someone you love, or yourself, please add "Tales of the Titmouse" to your list of must haves. You can find Pam at her blog, Sister Gilby Says.

Congratulations, Pam. I'm so very, very proud of you for making it to the finish line. You give all of us with stories to tell, and write, hope. Thank you~ Behind Pam is the painting, John Barrett, her artist husband did for the cover of the book. You should see the Christmas card he made me!!! These two make each other shine, and I am in awe of how their gifts came together in a such a perfect union.
I'm not going to give any details of what is inside the book except once you start reading it--you will not be able to put it down....

Friday, December 11, 2009

Bed Head Babblings

I have bed head, my grandson has some, too, and I'm showing it off to the world. I'm also showing why you shouldn't be allowed to babble on your puter cam & post it to you tube.

Hey just sayin....

It's too late.... I'm already hooked. This is the beginning of something well.... how should I say it? Monkey pants meets you tube. Yeah, that says it best.

Bed Head Babbling click here

Monday, December 7, 2009

Not Weighting Any More

Good week. Great results, plus lost some of me along the weigh. OK the barium was... Ummmmm, shall I say weighty. I believe that crap is closer to being like cement than glue in your pipe-a-roos---gross stuff. But it was kind of fun watching it pass through my physical pipes on the "big screen"... Between taking X-rays, the tech pointed out what everything was inside of me as the chalky, white, alien, tar baby first lit up my esophagus, then my intestines, and finally my large intestine.

I twisted my brow in a knot a few times asking her, "What IS that??" Think about it. We don't really get to see what is inside us. We only see the outside, and inside is an awesome machine we rarely even think about as it functions around the clock....24-7... keeping us alive. Plus, I'm curly, and curvy on the inside. Fluffy. Billowy. TMI?? Sowwy...

Please note:
Being off of sugar can make you feel giddy... stoned like. So a lot of this ramblin' sh*t ain't my fault....

This is how I felt when I quit smoking cigs last December, too. I got a head rush when the oxygen finally hit my brain after my blood veins became unclogged from all the nicotine, and tar. Plain oxygen gave me a buzz. A whole new twist on being an airhead... Some of you who have quit tobacco know just what I'm talking about, and now that I'm giving sugar the ole' stink eye... I've been babbling back and forth to myself like Cheech and Chong in a 70's movie. I guess detoxing has its perks. Anywhooooo... where was I??

Something about weight. Let me think a minute. Oh wait it was about my pipes. I was going to say.... no one tells you how freaky it is to see barium come out the "other" end. It's white with a grayish tint to it. Pasty gray. I felt so alienish. For freaking days. Sowwy, another sugah rush gone bad. I'll clean up my potty mouth.

More weighty matters??? Yes, what was the weighty matter this week?

When I weighed in at the doctors 1.5 weeks ago I weighed 191 lbs. I can barely breathe after typing that. Now that is the alien in my body--the extra weight. Those lines around my eyes--aliens, too, dang-it! I look at myself sometimes, and can't help but think of that Bonnie Raitt song, Nick of Time" where it says:

"I see my folks are getting on and I watch their bodies change
I know they see the same in me and it makes us both feel strange
No matter how you tell yourself, it's what we all go through

Those lines are pretty hard to take when they're starin' back at you

Scared to run out of time

When did the choices get so hard,
there's so much more at stake

Life gets mighty precious
When there's less of it to waste

Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Scared to run out of time

I'm not here to have a pity party about "aging". I earned this right of passage. And I know for sure after going off that embankment in the accident I'm especially grateful to be alive, let alone any age, even if some people consider my age to be old. That inner "you" still expects to see "you" looking back...not that old girl-guy?! Friends, what I know is this;

I'm at a cross road in my life regarding my future health, and
I need to take better care of myself while I still have a self to take care of...

Most of you reading this are probably baby boomers. Right? So you may understand how I feel when I say I don't want to waste any time making some positive changes in my personal health. I have this wild child inside me that thinks she can keep eating bad foods, and get no exercise and not have any repercussions from it. I think it's time I told myself, "Girl, you got yourself into this out of shape mess and you're the only one who can get you out of it." I want to feel vibrant inside and look vibrant on the outside! I want my zest back!

Who doesn't want to get an instant skinny fix simply by reading that article about crunches in Absmopolitan.

You mean, "I gotta work for it? But...."
[But... but.... butt bigger butttt....]
I am the only one who can fix me whether it's losing 5 pounds or 105 pounds.

My weight loss goals have everything to do with feeling good, and having great health. Looking good, and feeling good about one's self are light years away from each other. I don't have to tell you that one. I have to tell myself that, and somewhere in the middle, I want a firm grasp on both of those. I had so many of you JUMP UP and say, "I'm going with you, Lille!!! I'm losing my fluff with you, too. I want more energy. I want to get in shape. I want to lose some poundage~~~


So who wants to know my weight loss this week??? I have news. Weighty News.

I do need to address one thing first though. I had to change my starting weight. I weighed myself when I got home on my digital scale [God, I love this scale as much as I love a skinny mirror in a lingerie store] and it said I weighed 188.5--not the whopping 191 my doctor's lying hunk of junk scale said I did. I weighed myself two days in a row to make sure I had a steady starting weight. Psssttttt.... We all know a doctor's scale makes you weigh as much as an entire mini van with 18 bags of groceries in the back seat plus a zebra .... or two strapped on the bike rack in back. Ahem... **cough***cough**

4.5 pounds. I lost 4.5 pounds!!!! This was not painful, people. I actually ate more than I usually do. My choices were better though. Cutting out sugar was huge. Plus no cream my coffee. I wanted to slit my 'caffeine filled-with-cream-n-sugah' veins just thinking of the deprivation of having no twins in my java. I got over wanting it in under 3 days. I am in shock! Coffee actually tastes good nekkie. WTFrappucino! Who'da thunk it?

A quick question for you.

How many of you would be interested in meeting here with me for 5-15 minutes for a live vlog? A little fun so we can put the wag back in our scally's. A little silliness and motivation for those of you who'd like to do this together. Just think you'll all get to see me 'weighs-ting away to nothin' before your eyes... and you will be, too.

A time suggestion might be good, too. Mornings? Noon? Afternoons? Evenings? More than once a week perhaps?? Mix it up?? Let me hear from you... Who's in and when?

[insert 3rd grade girl giggle here]

Saturday, December 5, 2009

A Herd of Honey Bees

Look at this herd of honey bees! These bees are clustered so tightly on the yellow light, you can't see an inch of color or light. It's interesting they chose only the yellow light to perch on, don't you think? Why? I don't know. I just know I was mesmerized by the sleepy, docile bees that morning in mid July when I took this shot in downtown Pittsburgh. This picture reminds me that life is full of choices. I'm relieved, and ecstatic, about the choice I was given yesterday regarding the situation with my health.

I had hoped to get great results but you know how fear can rob you of any peace when you're waiting for results to come back from medical tests. [gakkk!!!] It's the waiting that is truly the hardest. I know many of you out there understand 2000% exactly how this feels.

All the medical tests I had done came back far better than I expected!! There is no scar tissue or adhesion's inside my "pipes". The doctor said they are all on the outside [technically inside my abdomen wall] which means there's no blockage in my digestive track. This is a fabulous diagnosis! Furthermore, he has left it up to me to decide when I want to have him go in and remove the nasty rubber band-like tissues from my abdomen. This can be done with a laparoscopy procedure which is not too invasive. So there is NO immediate surgery in my future!!! Happy Sassy Sah-Weet Monkey Pants!

I look at the picture of the bees as a symbolic measure of how to proceed from here. The caution light is totally covered in a herd of happy, busy bees. The bees are not worried about tomorrow or yesterday. They are in the moment, living as zealously as they possibly can. Yesterday I was given the freedom to stop or go. I choose to step off the curb, and walk toward my future. I choose to approach 2010 with as much peacefulness about my life, and choices, as those bees were covering the yellow light.

So with that said.... I'll spend the rest of today in my studio finishing Lisa's [contest winner] painting, and will make some plans to decorate for Christmas this next week. I held off doing any decorating because I didn't know if I was going to need surgery or not. But now I have a herd of happy honey bees in my britches! That ought to give me a sassified bounce in my walk--don't you think??? Oh baby!

Plus, I will continue to plot my course in eating healthy. I'll be posting my weight loss tomorrow night. And you know what else?????? I didn't need my night light for the last 3 days! I was the night light! Thanks to the Barium cocktails!

*hums "You light up my life.."
as she scurries upstairs to the studio*

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Radioactive Girl

Tomorrow morning is my Cat Scan to see what lies beneath......

I'm just grateful it's not my head they're scanning! But all this has me thinking.... I wonder if there's sugar in Milk of Magnesia... I'm having sugahhhhhhhhhhh withdrawals. LOL

Keep me in your thoughts tomorrow. It's not everyday a girl has a certain "glow" about her....

Monday, November 30, 2009

New Year's Resolution Starts NOW

Holy Crap.... I am totally stepping out and putting it all out there [here?] I cannot wait until January 1st to start taking healthy measures. It never works when I try to change/start something on that day anyway. Honestly---does it for you? Probably not.


Last December 14 I quit smoking. I never intended to quit that day. I planned to stop "one day"...but never set a target date. I knew I wanted to do it before my grandson, Emery, was born. He was due the end of December. He was born January 1, 2009. So I guess in a way I can say he was my New Year's Resolution.

I was in the hospital, and it was bitter, frigidly cold last winter. I was sneaking out to puff with my IV pole in tow. People were staring at me because I was only wearing my hospital issue socks, and had a blanket tossed over my shoulders, and hospital gown. Pathetic picture now that I think about it. I was sicker than a dog, and the urge to smoke was so huge I risked getting sicker to have a cigarette.

The week before I went into the hospital, I told Superman I wished I could just go somewhere, like spa or retreat where no one smoked so I could have a few days to detox from cigarettes. I can't say a hospital stay was exactly what I had planned but it certainly presented itself to me in the exact way I needed to have a smoke free environment to stop. I tossed my pack, and lighter in the trash in the hospital lobby and hobbled, practically frost bitten back to my room. I asked the nurse for a Nicotine patch. My prayer was answered any way you look at it... For that, I'm eternally grateful.

I can't say it's been easy but it's been worth it. I was able to greet my grandson into the world smoke free and with no second hand smoke at my home or third hand smoke on my clothes, fingers or breath. I still think about a cigarette, and admit I've stared at some good looking butts lying on the sidewalk with lust and hunger. Sick... I know but it is an addiction that doesn't respect any boundaries or borders you place on it. I may always have to do battle with this villain. That's OK. My health, and my family is worth it.

So Here's The Skinny

I have put on 30 pounds since the auto accident May 4, 2008. I was 10 lbs over my goal weight then. Now I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself because I've had 2 surgeries this past year, quit smoking, and have been battling some major battles with PTSD. But something has to stop [or start] before I find myself on the other side of 200 pounds. I'm not too far from that now.

Oh crap... double crap...crap crappity crap... Here it comes. Oh crap.... I weigh... oh may I please say crap again??? OK thanks. CRAP!

I weigh 191 frapping, fluffy pounds! I can flat out tell you my driver's license doesn't say that! I had my license renewed recently and asked the lady behind the counter if I could be arrested for "fudging" the weight question. She said if that were the case we'd all be in jail.... whew.

So I joined the Joy Fit Club today, and I am going to work to bring some good things to my life, and my future. My health is key to any permanent gift I could give myself. So if any of you'd like to join me in making some healthy goals for yourself, please join me. I'm listed under Woodstock Lily. I have nothing to hide, and need the accountability.

I'll be vlogging so you can see me "waist" away. BTW I measured my waist today, too. That shrill scream heard from coast to coast was me... Poor Opie Taylor. He pooped on the rug because I screamed so loud! [I lied... he just ran out of the room like he'd been scalded] My waist measures [can I lie here???? puleeeezzzeeeeee!] Crap, crap, crappity crapolla!

40 inches That's just wrong!
Who's body is this anyway????

Ummmm Opie didn't raise his paw on that question... so it must be my lily-livered, shaking hand weakly rising to the occasion....

OK I feel lighter just getting that off my chest. I need to eat well. Exercise. And love me back to wholeness. I want to invest in the whole package, my mind, my body, and my spirit. I haven't come this far, baby, to not be the best I can be all around. My grandson needs his "Birdie" to be able to fly, flit and be fit.

I'll update my progress weekly. There's a little gadget on my side bar with a frog under the lily pads that will also let you see how I'm doing.

So ready.... set.... go! I'm officially on my way! Carpe Diem! [ya'll thought I was going to say Crapie Diem....didn't ya???]

Saturday, November 28, 2009

A Magic Capsule

I may have found a miracle in a capsule. I'm in disbelief that it may really be possible. I've secretly, and openly said, "Wow, wouldn't it be great if a pill could fix this or that?" Who doesn't want to "take a pill" to make it all better? Especially if you've been dealing with chronic pain, emotionally or physically, for a long time. I'm learning from Dr. Ed that either type of pain directly effects the other.

I also just learned that the pain I've been having in my abdomen may be due to scar tissue forming from the blunt force trauma from the accident. Apparently some people's bodies make more scar tissue than others. It looks like I'm one of "those peeps" with scar tissue built up not only in my mind, but in my body as well.

I've been in serious denial that I hurt nearly 24/7. I didn't want to give it "life" by admitting that fact. But the truth is; my guts feel like they've been attacked by a shark, chewed up, and then spit out. I'm left with the bruised, and battered pieces as my pipes for digestion. In denying these feelings to myself, I've neglected the fact that I need some real medical attention. I had some damage done by a surgeon in the early 90's to my body that has caused me lots of pain and suffering through the years--so I've put off getting help. I'm afraid of surrendering another piece of my flesh to people who are "practicing medicine". Denial doesn't make things go away. Imagine that?!

I couldn't take the pain any longer so I made an appointment this last week with a doctor that came with the highest recommendations in the G.I field. When he walked into the examining room, I immediately felt a sense of hope, and calmness. It felt like I was in a safe place just like it did when I walked into see Dr. Ed, my new PTSD specialist, for the first time.

After examining me, he told me he thinks the scar tissue in my body may be twisting and tweaking my intestines, and other organs. This may have caused a blockage somewhere and it may require surgery. We'll know more after he gets the blood work back, and the next round of tests scheduled for next Wednesday. [I'm gonna be lit up on the inside like a Christmas tree...]

He told me there will be nothing easy about what we need to do, and asked me if I understood that. Weird thing in hearing him say "this will not be an easy fix" is that it made me feel better. Why is that????? Because it's the truth, and I needed to hear that. There is freedom in truth. Dr. Ed is helping me see that. This is huge!

The doc then prescribed a new medication, Kapidex, for me to try. It seems to be working. None of the other meds I've been prescribed have worked. For the first time in a year and a half, a "PILL" has drastically reduced the pain in my stomach. I keep touching, and poking myself as if I'm in a dream!

My next adventure will be seeking out a magic pill to take off the 30 + pounds I've gained since the accident. That was the "real" shocker of the day getting on that dreaded scale but I have a feeling having more energy will be a key in changing this, too. Chronic pain, emotional or physical, can drain the life right out of you.

I have another feeling my Sassy Pants
are about to become
my underwear of choice
underneath my Monkey Pantz!

It's amazing what having a little relief can do for a girl's "tude"!

****Just for the record, I'm not in any way shape or form saying Kapidex or any pill is magical or will be the pill for you. I'm just stating what seems to be working for me at this point in time in my life. You should work with your doctor to find what works best for you.****

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thaw T Full Things

Dear Friends, and Family,

I'm genuinely thankful for each one of you. I started my blog a little over 7 months ago, and I'm amazed at how much has happened in such a small measure of time. I've learned blogging is way more fun and educational than TV. Far more dramatic than soap operas, and far funnier than sitcoms. I had no idea such a wonderful world existed until I met all of you. Thank you for opening my eyes to such a wonderful world at my fingertips. I'm thankful, and grateful, for each one of you.

  • Be safe.
  • Hug your family and your friends.
  • Feed your faces, and watch some football.
  • Tell someone you are thankful to have them in your life.
  • Wear some comfy cloths on Thursday.
  • If the pie crust gets too burnt... it's not the end of the world.
  • Take a moment to remember how fortunate you are to be alive.
  • Pull out the Christmas lights, and trim the tree.
  • Be respectful others who do not celebrate the same holidays in the same way you do.
  • If you've lost your gusto for the holidays, try to see it through the eyes of a child. Borrow one if you don't have one, and make some precious memories together.
  • Take a nap if you want to on Thursday. Or take two.
  • Don't feel guilty if you are not up to fighting the masses on Black Friday unless you really enjoy it.
  • Be thankful you can shop without ever leaving the comforts of your home.
  • Make something homemade to give this season.
  • Say yes to whipped cream. YES, yes, Yes!
  • Say thank you when the left turn lane is long, and moving slow. It could be a blessing disguised as a delay.
  • Send all your unwanted fruitcakes to me. I actually love them.
  • Take your unused coats to a homeless shelter or church.
  • This is one way the pilgrims used pumpkins. BIG YUM
  • Be thankful you were not the person who received the call at the Butterball Turkey Hotline from a woman wondering if it was OK to bathe her kids at the same time in the tub with the turkey thawing... true story.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone

Friday, November 20, 2009

International Overall Day

Who izzzz that girl under the lampshade???

A girl wearing her monkey pantzzzzz
Overalls are sassy....

sassy, sassy, sassy

Opie Taylor haz hiz Monkey Pantz on, too

Close up of my bibs

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Therapy Isn't For Wimps

Some people balk at getting help for emotional things. It's easier to put on a thick skin, suck it up, and bury the buggers. I'm learning I have done this, too. This shocks me because I've always been a seeker; looking for answers, looking for help when I need it, looking for wisdom, for knowledge, for hope, and like many of us... I've looked for love. Nope I'm not going to belt out that old song, "looking for love in all the wrong places... but I am beginning to learn a valuable lesson about self love. I'd always thought I had a great deal of self love but I'm discovering there are parts of me I haven't been too loving about.

Many of you know I recently began treatment for my PTSD with a specialist. I'll tell you... PTSD has stumped me. It tossed me off another bridge in my mind, and has taunted me relentlessly about my ability to just shrug the auto accident off, and move on. Plus at times since the accident I've felt judged by people in my life who don't understand why I'm making such a "big deal" out of this. I can sense it in their body language, or how I might perceive [imagined or not] if someone rolls their eyes at me. "Just get on the freeway and start driving again." Well at small times I can do that. But they are really, really few and far between. Most of the time, I prefer not to even leave the house.

But you know who has been my biggest enemy? [And it's not the psychiatrist that booted me out of his office a few weeks ago after bragging to me about getting in a car 5 minutes after his auto accident, and driving off with no problems.] IT'S Me!! I am my own worst enemy. I'm the one who has told me over, and over, to toughen up. You should be better by now! What's wrong with you?? It's been 1.5 years! You've been through worse! Get a grip! There are people out there who've been through a whole lot worse things than you, and they're getting on with their lives! Wimp! Loser! Big baby!

I've been extremely hard on myself because prior to to this I've always been able to get myself unstuck. I forced myself a few months after the accident to go on with my life, and my career. Mind you my job involved a tremendous amount of driving--2500-3500 miles per month. I thought it was the best answer for all concerned, especially me, to give myself a shove back into "normal mode". But I'm learning I didn't give myself enough time to heal. And worse than that... I've been sending myself messages that are not very loving, or patient, or kind.

My new doctor is beginning to uncover the depth of my injuries, and I'm learning it still hurts really bad. AND THAT'S OK! I sit in his office, and my stomach feels like it's going through a meat grinder. I've spent the last 3 days since I left his office crying like I have a bad ass case of PMS but it feels really good. I'm crying for that woman who teetered on the edge of a cliff; the woman who still feels the blows of the impact in her body as if it just happened. I don't understand WHY I still feel it so deeply but I do. This new guy, Dr. Ed, is really good at what he does. He told me the body stores the memories, and the pain, even if my mind wants to be whole, and well. I've haven't felt this safe since the accident. This is good stuff, peeps!

And for the first time since the accident, I'm beginning to allow myself to peel off a layer of tough skin. I don't have to be a tough girl to get through this like I have with every other tough time in my life. I don't have to beat myself up because I don't understand everything yet. I just have to learn to love me, all of me, and stop comparing my recovery with others. This isn't going to be a picnic nor will I devour the beast overnight. But I'm ready to chew on a little morsel of that alligator skin I've told myself I needed to wear.

Hmmmm I didn't even know I liked alligator... [insert evil grin here]

Thanks for listening to me, dear friends~

Monday, November 16, 2009

Thought I'd Lost It...

Someday, someone, somewhere will wonder who this dark haired girl smiling from her eyes down to her barefoot toes, and playing ring around the rosey with her friends was....

Thank goodness I found these pictures. I thought I'd lost them. Whew... This was part of a series of shots we did for our band, Silver Rose. That's me with the dark hair grinning like I'd smoked a fatty. Geez... it was the 70's... What can I say? Except these are the memories I want to take with me to my grave. The "me" I want my family, and friends, to remember. They are pictures of me living my dreams. There's nothing sweeter than that.

That's my dear friend Louie Baker on the left. He set the timer and ran in before the shutter snapped this classic picture. Yes, that's Louie. He always looked smooth even under the most adverse conditions. He, to me, was the king of smooth, and was [probably still is] one of the biggest dreamers I've ever met. Louie could sell his visions, ideas, and next big dream like no other person I've ever met. And you can tell by the picture we all loved Louie. If anyone knows this man... please tell him I love him.... still.... to this very day.

Louie taught me to dream big, and to never let anyone, or anything, stop me from chasing my dreams. I need to remember this message more than ever at this time in my life. I'm framing this picture to use as a visual carrot to help me move forward and faraway from PTSD.

Oh and before I forget... The main reason I went digging to China looking for these pics was because of the overall skirt Carol, the blond in the middle, and I are wearing because.............

Friday, November 20th
is International Overalls Day!!!
Click here for more details

Put them on, take a pic, send it to our flickr group, and have a little fun. One day, someone, somewhere will look back at the pics we take this Friday, and will say, "Now that was pretty darn cool." See that button on the right of my page???

Grab it for your own page, and link back to I.O.D.
In 5 days we're going to make HISTORY!

Friday, November 13, 2009

A Poppy Tale

These are all pictures I've taken.
They are a part of my journey, a pictorial journey.
My poppy series is one of my favorites.
I was going to save these recent pictures of fall for a special time.
That time has come.
They tell an unexpected story.
I'll share it with you now.

Some days I feel twisted, unsure,
ensnared in this PTSD journey.

I look at the road ahead, and it looks confusing,
and terribly downhill.
I'm afraid I'll stumble or fall head first.

Then for a split second I see my path so clearly.
It's an uphill trip
but I know
it's totally worth the climb.

I'm not afraid to sit, and reflect on where I've been
or where I need to go.
It's standing still that scares me most....

Sometimes, especially in moments of inner ,clarity,
I see the fruits of my labor.
Glimpses of where this journey is taking me.

And sometimes...
The buried treasures in PTSD
is revealed to me in unexpected places.

Even if it makes me blue to look at it,
it's a part of the puzzle coming together.

It's in moments like these...

I see a clear reflection of me
through others who have fallen in trauma's arms,
and slept with the ghost of their pasts with no real rest.
It reminds me to remember
I'm not alone...

And even though I feel crumpled, and parched at times,
There is life stirring underneath the dry places.
And every life tells a story.
Every, single one....

Thank you everyone
For being apart of my journey to wholeness.
You've witnessed my tears, my fears,
heard my laughter, my triumphs,
And witnessed my many ups, and downs.
Your words bring me peace, and comfort
just as autumn calms my soul
with her long nights, short days.

I'll curl up in a chair this winter.
I want to finish writing my book.
And I'll reflect on others who've gone before me
like Lisa's Grandfather.
Read his story here, Poppies and Lost Dreams.
A soldier who never received help like I am for PTSD.

This post is for all the fallen giants, and young boys
who served in the military, and stood tall for us.
For those who never had
a safe place to go
Or never found their voice to tell their stories
of what they suffered, and witnessed, so we could be free.
R.I.P Grand-Pere
Your story has added a healing balm to my heart,
and given me courage to walk tall.
I'll walk tall for you, and myself.
There's no shame in PTSD.


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