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Thursday, November 19, 2009

Therapy Isn't For Wimps


Some people balk at getting help for emotional things. It's easier to put on a thick skin, suck it up, and bury the buggers. I'm learning I have done this, too. This shocks me because I've always been a seeker; looking for answers, looking for help when I need it, looking for wisdom, for knowledge, for hope, and like many of us... I've looked for love. Nope I'm not going to belt out that old song, "looking for love in all the wrong places... but I am beginning to learn a valuable lesson about self love. I'd always thought I had a great deal of self love but I'm discovering there are parts of me I haven't been too loving about.

Many of you know I recently began treatment for my PTSD with a specialist. I'll tell you... PTSD has stumped me. It tossed me off another bridge in my mind, and has taunted me relentlessly about my ability to just shrug the auto accident off, and move on. Plus at times since the accident I've felt judged by people in my life who don't understand why I'm making such a "big deal" out of this. I can sense it in their body language, or how I might perceive [imagined or not] if someone rolls their eyes at me. "Just get on the freeway and start driving again." Well at small times I can do that. But they are really, really few and far between. Most of the time, I prefer not to even leave the house.

But you know who has been my biggest enemy? [And it's not the psychiatrist that booted me out of his office a few weeks ago after bragging to me about getting in a car 5 minutes after his auto accident, and driving off with no problems.] IT'S Me!! I am my own worst enemy. I'm the one who has told me over, and over, to toughen up. You should be better by now! What's wrong with you?? It's been 1.5 years! You've been through worse! Get a grip! There are people out there who've been through a whole lot worse things than you, and they're getting on with their lives! Wimp! Loser! Big baby!

I've been extremely hard on myself because prior to to this I've always been able to get myself unstuck. I forced myself a few months after the accident to go on with my life, and my career. Mind you my job involved a tremendous amount of driving--2500-3500 miles per month. I thought it was the best answer for all concerned, especially me, to give myself a shove back into "normal mode". But I'm learning I didn't give myself enough time to heal. And worse than that... I've been sending myself messages that are not very loving, or patient, or kind.

My new doctor is beginning to uncover the depth of my injuries, and I'm learning it still hurts really bad. AND THAT'S OK! I sit in his office, and my stomach feels like it's going through a meat grinder. I've spent the last 3 days since I left his office crying like I have a bad ass case of PMS but it feels really good. I'm crying for that woman who teetered on the edge of a cliff; the woman who still feels the blows of the impact in her body as if it just happened. I don't understand WHY I still feel it so deeply but I do. This new guy, Dr. Ed, is really good at what he does. He told me the body stores the memories, and the pain, even if my mind wants to be whole, and well. I've haven't felt this safe since the accident. This is good stuff, peeps!

And for the first time since the accident, I'm beginning to allow myself to peel off a layer of tough skin. I don't have to be a tough girl to get through this like I have with every other tough time in my life. I don't have to beat myself up because I don't understand everything yet. I just have to learn to love me, all of me, and stop comparing my recovery with others. This isn't going to be a picnic nor will I devour the beast overnight. But I'm ready to chew on a little morsel of that alligator skin I've told myself I needed to wear.

Hmmmm I didn't even know I liked alligator... [insert evil grin here]

Thanks for listening to me, dear friends~

22 comments:

  1. I love this post! So very true....keep on chewing.

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  2. ~~sabelmom... Thank you so much. One of my dear friends mark, the walking man [listed on my sidebar] told me to give him these tasty morsels of fear to gobble up. Hey I'll invite everyone to join me for the picnic if it will help destroy this PTSD crap. LOL Thank you, thank you thank you for your hug in words~

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  3. I've been told that alligator is really very tasty!

    You are unique. Don't try to fit yourself into a mold. You wouldn't be YOU! I'm glad you're learning to love yourself more. You are very lovable!

    (I still want to slap that other guy.)

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  4. I'm glad you have find a therapist you can work with. We are often our own worst critics You've taken a big step here, (kudos to you) in realising that.

    When you are ready, alligator skin would make some lovely boots.

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  5. So glad you found a good therapist! Stay with it and I hope you'll find the means to be whole again.

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  6. You've been like a little hamster on a spinning wheel circling around and around unable to stop the cycle. This change of doctors appears to be a good decision and the first step in making that darn wheel come to a halt. Your joyous spirit is such a gift to others. I am glad you are finding a way to love yourself so that you can experience the same joy that we feel around you.

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  7. hi Lily finding a good therapist can make such a huge difference, difficult to imagine and if he/she can make you to be your own therapist, it is heaven on earth ! I have experienced that and in fact it relates directly to our shared obsession overalls, my story in a short version is here:

    http://bibprofessor.wordpress.com/2009/06/02/how-i-found-my-first-overalls/

    see you tomorrrow !:)

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  8. Go for it Girl!
    But, thankfully, I was told driving would be old-fashioned by 2012. So, I'm waiting for my day...to be cool. I guess. Lillie, I might seem like a real crack(pipe) hear, but did you ever just think it was your job that was toxic? Accidents are life-changing, but there is no such thing as an accident...just sayin'
    xox, Lisa

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  9. Ahhhh, the PTSD monster. I know it all too well. And I'm the one who tells me very similar things to what you've told yourself.
    Amazing how the mind and body can get so disconnected. But it really does teach us to dig deeper and do some real searching. Little blessings in disguise.
    I have a counselor friend that highly recommends EMDR Therapy. I haven't found another therapist that does it though. Ever heard of, or tried it?

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  10. oh I am so very happy that you have found a good match!! sounds so positive and healing.

    you are right- the "why" isn't as important, but the healing is...

    I hope you are feeling less "flu-like"!! :)

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  11. I know what you mean about having tough skin. I am one of those people who thinks she has to be the strong one.

    I'm glad you found a therapist you are happy with!

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  12. Lille Diane,

    Pleasure to meet you. Those moon shots were some of the best ones I have been able to get. I've taken some others, but with a lot less pixels.
    I am glad you stopped by, I will be back again.

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  13. Having the right therapist is so important. Mine is great with PTSD - we work with a process called "DNMS" and it works for me.

    Cutting yourself some slack is the first big step.

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  14. Alligator is pretty tasteless but edible without choking on it. Enjoy your meal babe. It is worth eating.

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  15. So true Lily. I work as a hypnotherapist and I meet people who are still suffering trauma from events 20 years ago or more. You are dead right, the body stores the bad stuff, even if our mind has managed to push it away.It will keep tapping on the door to remind us we still havent dealt with it. Wishing you all the love in the world for your recovery.

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  16. It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. Healing from something drastic is so hard to do and sometime take years to recover.

    My mother passed away unexpected, it took me years to come to grips with it. (I know that is not the same)

    huggggggggggggggggggggggs
    Allen

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  17. I guess when you eat an alligator one needs to start with thee tail, and work their way up. By the time this is over, I'll have eaten "THE WHOLE THING"... [Burp] Thanks everyone. I can feel each, and every hug. My hear is sighing caught up in the love. =]

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  18. LILLE, WHASSUP WISHING YOU A VERY HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

    Paulie

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  19. I am so glad that this Dr is able to help. It's a long road and obviously it's been a tough journey, but as cliche as it sounds...it looks like there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

    Good luck! :)

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  20. Hey there sista contributor for "Writers Rising" thought I'd pop over and try to get to know you. What an incredible, honest well written blog you have.
    I am sorry you are suffering from PTSD - I believe everything happens for a reason and something great will come of your pain .... probably already has from writing in this blog and connecting with people?? Look forward to getting to know you!

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Thanks for stopping by Woodstock Lily! Leave a comment and I'll reply as soon as I can~

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