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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Crashing Into Me

Sorry to post such a graphic picture. Please read on. I need your support for the next leg of my healing journey.

I've never posted a picture on my blog of the vehicle from my accident (R.I.P. you died so we would live) but I have to vent. I felt much like our van looked like after the accident when I left my psychiatrist after my visit last Friday. I left feeling broadsided by his words, crushed, and waiting for a tow truck to haul my carcass off to the graveyard.

My body took a hit from a car speeding at 70 MPH with such a force I still feel it in my body 1.5 years later, plus I also took a brutal hit to my mind; fear, stress, anxiety, and trauma. It's shaken me like a rag doll with razor blade teeth, and still howls at me every time I get into an automobile. But I think there is nothing worse than effects of words by a calloused soul who has no ability to connect, and apparently has no desire to even if he could.

The medications prescribed to me have been nuclear powered. They've also had volcanic side effects: major insomnia, major intestinal and stomach problems, agitation, panic attacks, extreme anxiety, heart palpitations, night sweats, apathy, numbness to life, neither joyful or sad, sluggishness, lethargic, decreased sex drive or ability to orgasm... Up, and down... up and down... I could go on, and on about the side effects. Some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am in no way telling people to not take a prescribed medication but my LORD what is the sane thing to do????? Either way I have the same symptoms. PTSD or Side Effects.... so what do I do?

At first I pushed through taking each medication as prescribed, ever hopeful I'd been given a "magic" pill. But [for me] there is no magic pill. All the various medications had the same bad side effects when I took them. Later I started saying no, and asking to try to something else. My psychiatrist begrudgingly agreed each time but would always coax me back to another heavier type of medication.

What's made this entire process an even worse pill to swallow is that this man never looked at me when I sat at his desk. He just looked at his computer screen clicking away. I rarely spent more than 5 minutes in his office. I hated to go but didn't think I had a choice. Then for a few months I had some relief when he set me up to see one of his counselors, and she had such a genuine compassion for people, I continued to go once a month or more as needed. However she was pregnant, and never returned after she had her baby. I was crushed hearing this, and wavered whether or not to go back at all.

I asked Superman to go in with me, which of course, he valiantly agreed to. He was as appalled as I had been at his lack of "desk-side manner". In fact, the doctor seemed a bit agitated I had asked Superman come in with me. That should have been a huge CLUE to get help elsewhere. But instead I procrastinated about going back in again. The sudden move, my Mom, and needing to see her before her surgery, etc, etc.... I validated every reason but the truth is I HATED how I felt being around this doctor. But eventually I needed to go back so I made the dreaded appointment which was this past Friday.

He scolded me for not coming in to see him for 2.5 months. I explained about the move from the Tree House , and that I also depend on Superman to take me to my appointments, and sometimes it's hard for him to leave his business to help me. Blah...BLAH, blah.... When asked about another medication he'd prescribed me and how I was doing on it---I told him I was too afraid to take it for all the side effects which pissed him off. It was the drug Ab----y. You've seen the ads...."If your anti-depression medication isn't working for you... you may need another pill to boost your antidepressant." Then the last two thirds of the commercial lists all the frigging side effects. Oh YES please I want a whole f....king gallon of those!

I asked him if he'd ever been in a bad auto accident.... which he answered he had. He told me he totaled his car, called his insurance company, got a rental car in 5 minutes, and he drove off happy as a bee. [Well goody for you!] Next he told me he had patients he had "healed" from various "prestigious" companies [he proudly named them off like a list of personal credentials] within 3-6 months. I asked him if their jobs included an intense driving schedule like my job had, 2500-3000 miles per month. He said that didn't matter but because I'd asked him, he told me.

Then he told me not to come back.

I know it's not entirely his fault. It is the way we do business here in America. The drug companies dictate what incomes/kick-backs the doctors make, and so on, and so on. I know there are good doctors , and bad ones. I also know it's MY body, MY mental health, and MY responsibility to take care of myself. No one else will. So this is why I've decided to undergo treatment from a specific PTSD psychologist I told you all I was going to go see.

The meeting went well. I really, really like this guy. He told me it will be hard at times, and I will probably hate him on some days..... But I want to get well. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get my life back, my mind back. PTSD is just now being recognized, and talked about, as the beast it is. Our soldiers are coming home from the war, and our Vets, from previous wars, have been neglected so horribly. [don't get me started on this one...grrrrrr] But PTSD also happens to regular people just like myself. Trauma is trauma. Bottom line.

I begin what will be an intense program next Monday night. He's supportive of my choice to try to do this without heavy medications, and eventually none at all. I feel so free now. I believe I found a tiny opening in the Universe to squeeze into a window of recovery, healing, and wholeness again.

The pic above shows the narrow spot our van hit on the guard rail on the overpass before it flipped, and went down a steep, rocky hill. A few inches either way and we would have hit concrete. Those inches were just many of the miracles that happened, and allowed us to live that day. The divot you see in the rocks is where the van landed [my side, shotgun] after it flipped. I still feel the impact in my bones, my cells, my memories, and my dreams.

Maybe, just maybe.... I've crossed through another narrow passage way to a miracle. I have to believe it to receive it. And........
I will get well.


  1. You've made a big step towards healing by not minimizing how that psychiatrist made you feel and how the medication was reacting in your system. Meds either work or don't, if they don't your doctor should readjust them. Remember the onion, you peel off one layer and there is another. Healing can be like that too. Sending you virtual hugs...

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that you had to encounter such an asshole, there are good caring souls out there. Counseling and therapy might work better than drugs which just mask the visions and pain, not heal them.
    I took many antidepressants to try to heal depression, anxiety and a bad thing from my childhood and either felt numb or crazier so I stopped. I am working at staying busy, praying, remaining positive and just trying to figure out why I am the way I am. It may not work but I hate the pills.

  3. Thanks for sharing your story, Lily. Letting our anger out is helpful I think. I find that it helps me figure things out. Ah, pills and I don't get along either. I have had such awful side effects that I am afraid to try anymore medications. I am slowly getting my life back through exercise and diet. Just doing what I can and increasing a little at a time. Foods can be a trigger for mood and mind woes too. I'm going to remember you in my prayers. Love and hugs.

  4. I hope this new doctor will give you back your life.
    It has been 24 years since my accident and though I drive I still cannot go on a major highway. I arrange things so I am never in the situation I have to - I get others to drive, I take a bus etc.
    If someone has not been in a serious accident they cannot really undr=erstand the terror you feel, or the physical pain.
    Do take care! All the best.

  5. I can only imagine what this has been like. You want to be well, and so I am sending you wishes for healing and wellness.

  6. Good luck with this new therapy. I hope you find peace and healing. My thoughts are with you.

  7. Big Sigh. I admire your determination despite your miserable experience with your first doc. I'm cheering you on for a strong recovery. Stay brave.


  8. Lille, my heart goes out to you. It hurts to know you have been in so much pain. I love you. Hang in there. There is a very deep well within for you to draw on.

  9. Yes, you will! That quack is even worse than you told me! It's like he was telling you that you had no right to have PTSD! Glad he 'fired' you. The new guy sounds wonderful.

  10. Yep have to agree, that was a hell of an accident. The van is pretty well fucked up and though it did it's job as far as your physical safety goes Lily, there is no seat belt or airbag for the mind.

    The last psychiatrist I saw, for the results of a car accident was the same way. he was there to prescribe meds and nothing else. He got one chance with me. When the side affects became a physical reaction apparent to my wife who expressed fear for my health, I stopped taking them and waited.

    When I saw the cocksucker again I reamed his over educated ass for ten minutes and within twelve minutes he was on the phone to my wife not justifying his choice of medication but apologizing to her for causing her to fear. No one, and I mean no one fucks with my old lady and gets away with it.

    In a subsequent accident I had to pay for all of my medical records for all time, his included. ha ha ha ha It was good to read that our little come to Jesus meeting left a lasting impression on him. Fuck 'em.

    You have been traumatized and can't let it go because as you say the memory is embedded in your cells. The mind remembers every moment of the crash from the first to the last and it is a terror.

    I know what my solution was but I think you need to find your own answers and do it in your own way.

    Though I do recommend only one drug not a Parthenon of them. If one doesn't work then try another. My God every one needs to have an orgasm every now and then.

    Be Well babe and get ready for the real fight to begin, everything to now has just been practice.

  11. "PTSD" is a very difficult and many layered negative effect, resulting from the trauma. I can speak about it because I am a survivor. There is no other way to heal than to work through it. I agree that medication is actually a detriment at times, due to the side and also the main effects which meddle with reality.

    I eventually (like you) kicked the pills and other mood altering substances in favour of immersing myself in my art and spiritual studies.
    The road is long and winding but I can tell you it is worth it. There is truth in the saying "What does not kill you, makes you stronger"

    Thank you for caring and sharing your plight, it helps you and others as well.
    We will stay conscious of you and your situation and try to help in that way.


  12. wow a huge step in healing! Thank you for sharing this, and I do believe it was the right thing to do finding another health professional. the first psychiatrist was not right for you.

    sending you positive light and healing at the start of your new journey!

  13. Drove off happy as a bee...what a jerk face!

    It's a good thing you shared with all of us randoms :D You will recover- you seem to have such a beautiful spirit. Keep you head straight & much luck!

  14. I graciously accept all the love you've all shown me. I am in awe of your caring. Thank you for holding me up during these times when it's hard to stand up by myself. I love you all dearly. Thank you, thank you, thank you~

  15. You will get well and you have found a solid path to healing minus the jerk of a doctor. You know you are in control of your life, use that power in a positive way.

    Some doctors push the meds without ever looking at the patient, and what you said about him is so telling.

    Good luck with your new therapist. You came through that horrific accident to "live" again!

    Hugs and love to you, Lille.

  16. I'm so glad you stopped by my blog. It has been thoughtful and insightful reading yours. I too deal with PTSD, though by a different avenue. However, as you say, it still feels the same. I wish you peace, and peace of mind. Keep going... one tip toe step at a time. You'll get there. You have to fight for it, but you'll get there.

  17. Please excuse me for not being able to come up with a comment i thought of being adequate enough and allow me to bow silently in respect of both, your writing and being as well.
    A wonderful weekend for you.

  18. I am so glad to hear that you discontinued going to the prior dr. Unfortunately there are those out there just as he... and unfortunately there are several.... I am like you in regards to the subject of medications... I currently have a dear friend who lost her husband in May... He was her life literally and she is having difficulty dealing yet all her dr. wants to do is give her more meds. There are definately underlying issues to tackle with her but he just seems to want to increase, decrease, change whatever her medication... which truly only leave her lifeless and dull. Good for you for being strong... I wish you well on your journey and am glad you found a dr. that you feel comfortable with.... keep us updated...

  19. Healthcare sucks in America - I can't believe that guy! What an asshole! I'm so glad you have found a specialist. It takes time - and you are getting there. ((((hugs))))

  20. I have recently stumbled upon your blog. I too have PTSD but for very different reasons. For all my life I have suffered and didn't know why. I tried therapy but do not have much faith in our medical system. It didn't work. They only wanted to drug me up without really working through my problems. I was having dental and foot problems a few years ago. My dentist referred me to an acupuncturist for my dental problem. He healed my dental and foot problems. I was so happy. About a year later I was having yet another crisis, severe anxiety, totally out of control in dealing with anything. I tried therapy again but it was another bad experience. I happened to remember my acupuncturist and called to see if he could help with my anxiety. I have been going to him for about two years. It's amazing how much better I feel. While I have things come up, I am better able to deal with them and move on. During one session I was laying there and out of the blue started crying. Later he told me that acupuncture releases the emotions inside you so you are able to function in a healthy manner. I am only telling you this as another form of "therapy" that is out there to help us live better lives. I sure hope you are healing and are getting better. Living with such fear and pain is not good and hope for your health soon.


  21. Wow, good for you, for kicking meds and that terrible doctor to the curb, and finding a good therapist that specializes in PTSD to help you.

    Your story really hit home for me. I won't go into all my details here, but let me say we are similar boats, so I understand where you are coming from, and what you are going through. And I wish the best of luck on your journey. You CAN do it, it just takes a lot of work. :)


Thanks for stopping by Woodstock Lily! Leave a comment and I'll reply as soon as I can~


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