Online Classes

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Buggy Lust

I took these shots while traveling the back roads to my Mom's house in KY a couple of weeks ago. I loved the pace, the clickity-clack of the horse's hooves on the asphalt. I loved the simplicity of life, and the peacefulness that traveled as an unseen, but ever so present passenger in the wagon.
I had an instant affinity for these boys with rosy cheeks heading home, or nowhere in particular, on the highway that afternoon. For a moment I felt a calmness wash over my brain; my brain that struggles to cope when vehicles race ahead to pass me on the highway. The brain that wants to put the brakes on, and never leave the house. The brain that quietly screams driving directions to anyone driving within range--except these lads in their buggy. The brain that temporarily forgot it was under attack by images, fears, and memories that day on a quiet Kentucky country road.
I was filled with buggy lust as the horse clipped down the road at a safe pace. Clippity-clop...clippity-clop. Hooves singing a lullaby of tranquility to my mind; the mind that normally hears even the slightest squeal of brakes or sudden engine surges of trucks, cars or motorcycles. I smiled like a child watching a circus act at the boys in their buggy, and waved like a tacky tourist--camera in hand to catch a frame or two of bliss. The kind of bliss I used to have riding in a car with no voices chasing me down like roadkill about to happen.
The boys smiled back. I told myself to hold onto their smiles. Hold onto the moment as though it were a drug I could take that wouldn't make me groggy. I've missed seeing the beauty being on the highway can bring. I miss the ability to breath normally, relaxed, and carefree inside a car. But for just a few minutes I did find myself in the moment, and not in the past, that day on the trip to my Mom's. But unfortunately it didn't last long enough. No, not nearly long enough.

Superman and I were scheduled to make a flight to Salt Lake City the following week after the unexpected trip to visit my Mom before her surgery. We had to cancel our flights. My body, and my mind couldn't take any more stress. Superman never once made me feel guilty for not taking our previously planned trip to Utah. I had to put on my big girl panties just to say yes to making a flight. With PTSD anything that feels like you are not in control can cause a crash inside your head without ever leaving your house. Sometimes I just want to hole up, and never leave .... just so I won't feel helpless or afraid. But that's not living... it's dying a slow death.

I'm proud of myself for making such a long trip in a car. It took us nearly twice as long to get to my Mom's, and then return back home, with all the frequent stops, and traveling on back roads instead of major highways. But in making the trip, I learned I need more help to heal. I need tools not drugs. I've been in treatment both with a psychiatrist, and a lovely counselor for a year and a half since the auto accident. I stopped going to both couple of months ago. Now I see I still need help. The trip nudged me to make an appointment with a specialist who works specifically with trauma victims like myself who have PTSD.

I'm going tomorrow at 2:00. Hopefully, he can help me make the next leg of my journey to wholeness without drugs. One day I'll be able to settle my heart down when it races like a train without an engineer on my own. One day I'll smile at other drivers on the highway just like these boys smiled at me.

Yes, one day.....
I will be the pony and not the cart.


  1. A sign of wisdom and strength to recognize you need a leg up.
    Good for you!
    Our own progress is always slower than we want. Frustrating but, I think the healing must end up more complete that way.

    Keep smiling, dear. You're doing fine!

  2. I hate how advanced most places are (my area) I would love to live in a nice quiet area where you just need a bike and horse to get around.

  3. Love the buggy photos! And you have every right to be proud that you made such a long trip!

  4. this is pretty and sinsere post Lille !!
    you're right .
    thanks for that !!!

  5. Your progress is evident. You are getting there one step at a time. Good on you!

  6. That was beautifully written and I am crying right now for both of us. I could never get on a plane, I would rather be tortured. I am so glad you are going for more help. I have given up that. I will pray for you and I wish you all the best as always.


  7. I was so impressed when I learned about you making such a long distance trip. Even if you are not completely whole you have made significant progress in getting there. You are such an inspiration to those of us that have obstacles. You help us see that smiling is still possible. (((((Hugs))))

  8. And I thought the title "Buggy Lust" has something to do with insects. Congratulations on surviving your car trip.

  9. "Clippity-clop...clippity-clop." I love that sound :-)
    Great post and pics!

  10. Ahh Lily I wish it were possible to exchange minds for maybe fifteen minutes. I would eat your fears for you, they are such tasty little morsels. Sadly though that is your lunch to eat and if a counselor is what sets the table with the knife and fork it is good diner to go into. Have a great lunch.

  11. ~~Jean... Thank you. I am impatient, and yet I realize it's only been a short time in the Grand Scheme of things to allow myself time to heal. I feel like an onion. Layers are coming off to reveal the sweetness inside the wounds my mind has. Hugzzzz.

    ~~Eva... Those boys were so sweet! I was hollering at them like a goofball. Thank da good Lawd they didn't have any rocks to throw at me. LOL It was truly wonderful watching them ride in the wagon.
    Thank you for your encouraging words, Eva. Hugzzzz

    ~~Caio... Thank you, my friend. It came from my heart. I love your new art work, and pics you took of yourself. You gave me some crazy ideas. LOL Thank you! Hugzzz..

    ~~Char... I love your profile pic! Nice! Thank you so very much. I have moments that I feel "normal" again then sometimes something triggers an avalanche of fear on my head. I'm trying my best to dig out. Hugzzzz...

    ~~Rae... "You are such an inspiration to those of us that have obstacles. You help us see that smiling is still possible." I know you know how hard it is at times and I, too, admire you for how you've taken what could have paralyzed you to the mountain tops. Together, my dear, sweet friend, we will overcome the giants in our heads. You inspire me more than words can say. Hugzzzz

    ~~Snow... LOL I have had a hankering for some chocolate covered ants... Or maybe I just dreamed I did..... Thank you, sweetheart. I'll be over later to see what you've been doing in your neck of the woods. Hugzzz...

    ~~Joanna... I know. I do, too! I was thinking about that yesterday as I wrote this post how melodic that sound is. It's almost like the rhythm of a heartbeat or the soft, patting on a baby's bottom. It soothes the soul. Hugzzzz... and thank you for stopping in!

  12. ~~Mark... You made me cry. Not in a bad way but because I know if it were possible, you would devour the worms in my head like they were gummy worms. "Ahh Lily I wish it were possible to exchange minds for maybe fifteen minutes. I would eat your fears for you, they are such tasty little morsels." And your analogy about the fork and knife may be just the trick I need to think about. How about this? Every time I get afraid, I'll send the creepy thoughts to you, loaded on a fork for you to gulp down. I'll ask if you want some salt or pepper on them, then I'll say, "Look out teeth. Look out gums. Here it comes!" Let's just call it team work. I adore you, my friend. Thank you~

  13. I'm playing catch up today...

    I imagined what those boys were thinking... "Look at that crazy lady waving at us and taking pictures!" You have a zest for life. You will overcome!

    Still praying... Looking at the clock I see you are THERE!

  14. Dear Lily,
    thank you very much for bringing me back home, where I once had the luck to be greeted by a friend who arrived with two horses at my home. Under the eyes of half the neighbourhood we left into the forest close. Thank you, thank you.
    A wonderful Thursday for you.


Thanks for stopping by Woodstock Lily! Leave a comment and I'll reply as soon as I can~


Blog Widget by LinkWithin