This picture was taken April 7, 2009. The views out my window here at Tree House where I live. And, yes, they are forecasting snow by this time tomorrow here in Ohio area near Cleveland. Yikes.... but that is part of what I love about living here. Seasons. It gives me a sense of awe and wonder as one season ends and another begins.
I feel I am following a cycle, much like seasons, at this time in my life. Winter is a time things lie dormant, frozen under the hard ground with no obvious signs of life, breath or buds of life. I've felt like winter inside for nearly a year now--maybe longer. Maybe much longer than I ever realized. Spring is technically here, yet a blast of winter's last hoorays ride my coat tail like a stray puppy insistent on following me home. I have thawed out. I put my winter boots away. Winter steals one more kiss from me before I can dance naked in the fresh, lime green, fluff of baby grass beneath my feet.
It's OK. I truly love the crisp air, and flakes of iridescent masterpieces I could only dream of painting. I need time to slow down just a bit for me so I can catch up. I have so much to do. So much life to get on with. So much to be grateful for. So many gifts to use. So many wondrous ideas flying off my brain like hot sparks from a muffler dragging on the pavement behind an old car picking up speed to get on the on ramp of life. There's nothing wrong with the vehicle... I just need to replace some tattered parts.... some old ways of thinking. I need to be patient with myself. Forgiving. And forgive some more...... and more.
Yesterday at this time I parked my mental chaos, and hurting body, in the garage. I didn't "feel creative"... I felt tired, and like that old car--yet I'd be the first one to snarl at you if you even suggested I am "old". But some days I just feel worn out, out of fuel, fresh outta everything. I needed some time up on the rack to take a peek under the hood. My back needed to rest. I have been scurrying about like the geese on my lake looking for a safe place to lay the fertile eggs of creativity burning in my womb. My back knows my bones are old but I am in extreme denial about it.....
I am racing my one year anniversary of the auto accident to the finish line. I so wanted to get there fully recovered, emotionally and physically. I wanted to show my appreciation for surviving something that should have killed me "by living my life this past year as though I were dying..." I didn't do this. At least in the way guilt tells me I should have. Guilt tells me I should have done more... I should have been over this by now.... I should have... I should have. I can hear the broken record. Squeaky ain't it????
Why am I (are we) so hard on myself (ourselves). Winter rolling in again reminded me it is OK to feed my soul with a little restful respite. Crawl under the blanket of forgiveness. Light the fires of self-love. Tomorrow when this mid spring dusting of snow waifs past my windows I will celebrate knowing the Universe, my higher power, my Creator, is throwing a party for me. That's not snow. It's confetti!! I have much to celebrate.
Maybe this time in a tomorrow a year from now, I will look back and say, "WOW.... Look how many times I danced in the snow!!"