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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Oh, how I miss me....

I miss me.

The "me" that would just get up and go.

In a car.

Anywhere, any time, any place.

I was reminded about this part of me that's still missing last night in a conversation that centered around loving to drive, and wanderlust. My wanderlust spirit is MIA. Well, my wanderlust is not completely missing. I still "think" about the places I'd like to drive to. I'm just having a hard time locating my courage to "just get up and go...." And my courage is apparently on a field trip somewhere with my wanderlust spirit. I wonder if they got a group rate by taking that trip together.... without me.

  • I'd like to visit my son, and my new grandson, who just turned 6 months old.
  • I'd like to visit my Mom who can't travel like she used to. Talk about a person with the middle name "GO"!!!
  • I'd like to drive to Colorado, and visit my beloved Rockies.
  • I'd like to drive out to my friend's farm about 45 miles away and chill with her, and her family, on her big, open porch.
  • I'd like to drive to visit my friend Ziggy who has a comedy team that does improv about 4.5 hours away.
  • I'd love to drive to PEI (in Canada) to meet a new friend that has overcome many of the PTSD symptoms I am still searching to come to terms with.
  • I'd like to drive to my doctor's office without timing my appointment around my fears of when it will be too busy on the highways.
  • I'd like to control other drivers on the highway around me. It's the not knowing what they're going to do in the lane next to me or if they are even paying attention to their surroundings that restricts my freedom, my peace of mind.
I know. I know--that last line is something I cannot, nor can anyone, control.... It sounds silly when I read back what I just typed but one's feelings, especially the ones that are irrational, have to be let out or discussed so they can dissipate. It helps me having an avenue like writing to release those fears I might otherwise carry around like junk in my trunk, and I feel safe sharing with all of you what happens to people like me who are dealing with PTSD. It is an irrational illness and I occasionally need a horn honking to remind me I'm drifting into a lane that isn't productive or healthy. And haven't we all drifted mindlessly behind the wheel of our lives from time to time? So even if it's scary as hell driving I have to keep trying. I have places I want to get to, and it will take a car to get me there.

But I can't help but wonder..... Where is that girl? That girl who used to race the sun on a westbound highway just because she wanted to make it run... Has anyone seen the girl who drove cross country multiple times all by herself--and a couple of times with a Cockatiel riding on her steering wheel that made the truckers honk, and grin... Where is that girl that didn't know fear?

If you see her out there driving in a pack of cars going about 15 miles over the speed limit...

Or cruising with the car radio cranked up full-tilt and singing like she's auditioning for American Idol while she drives down the road...

Or looking confident, and carefree, with a bird sleeping on her shoulder....

Will you tell her to please come home. I really, really miss her. I really do.


  1. I'm sending you warm thoughts. It's hard to feel like you've lost your edge. But it comes back. Have faith.

  2. Such a cute picture. The vision of a bird on your steering wheel or shoulder is fantastic to think about. What a great memory that must be.

    I relate to what you're saying, only my timidity is PTSD. In the last 5-10 years I've become less and less confident behind the wheel. I just hate traffic and return to the old me only when I'm driving on a two-lane road in the desert. Then I go 80 and don't bat an eye. So I think my problem is mistrust of other drivers as much as anything. I was in a terrible crash with my mother and baby sister when I was 22-months old. I don't remember it, but I can feel the scar on my skull. As a result of visiting here, I'm beginning to wonder if my subconscious might be recalling the accident at this time in my life. Possible? Maybe?

  3. Aww *hugs I know you're dealing with something very difficult so I don't want to diminish that but I have to tell you I think maybe everybody feels like that at least once in a while. So you're not totally alone.

  4. lil d- I started reading and thinking, Oh my Gawd! she's reading my mind. but maybe not. I read your "list"-not sure wanderlust would do a list-and you were running to things. I would run from things. What then seperates wanderlust from ambition?
    I'm afraid you might be too far gone. But I loved you stirring that passion in me again. ~rick

  5. I already told you that I was in two near fatal crashes. The new millennium has not been kind to me, so take what I am about to write understanding that I know where your head is at.

    DO NOT let your FEAR of injury or losing your life prevent you from living that life; or you have lost it already. Do not let fear rule anything in your heart or mind.

    Be Well Lille

  6. Stay strong! Take it slow and maybe eventually you will find the old you again, I know you will! You know after my surgery I would look at pictures of before, and felt like I lost some of me too. I would get sad. But I have realized that I am still me and maybe even a better stonger me! Just like you! Keep smiling and keep up with your list! :)

  7. ~~C.J~~
    Thank you for stopping by the tree house, and gifting me with a nice dose of encouragement. I know I will find my edge, my wings to fly, again.

    Please come back. I'm looking forward to watching you check off items on your bucket list, too.~~~

    Yes, it is more than possible to be experiencing the trauma now. The human brain files everything away, and will often toss a bunch of memories, good or bad, together in a big salad bowl. Sometimes memories will link up like a chain, and seemingly, out of nowhere, will surface. You'll feel out of sync, and may wonder what the heck is going on. It takes time, and professional help in my case, to figure out "the whys".

    I resent the fact that I need medications (still....grrrr) to sleep, to ease anxiety, and am fighting the fact I may need to go on another anti-depressant.... I wish I could just wake up "normal" again one day.

    I'll come back to add a link for another blog I follow (get help from) that specializes in PTSD.

    I wish I had a picture of my bird balancing himself on my steering wheel. In fact, I think I'll post a funny story soon about one of our road trips together. He was an amazing bird that loved me like I was truly his mama. LOL

  8. I forgot to say how much I love the pic of you and your dachshund! It looks like Chloe! :)

  9. ~~Lovely...
    How sweet you are. Your comment in no way diminishes the way I feel. In fact, it helps. I'm Hitch-hiking on the highway to a place called normal. Maybe I am already there. LOL

    Holy Crapolla... Maybe I am too far gone... I understand running away from. PTSD makes you runaway from lots of things in life. I post my wanna do's so I can at least feel like I'm trying. LOL Maybe I should just have home delivery service of icy, cold long neck Buds or Corona's with limes, sit on my deck and "fohh-ghet about it"...

    As far as what is the difference between wanderlust and ambition.... Wanderlust is a longing, stirring in your soul to hit the road and see places most people never get to see. Ambition is what you'll need to work in a restaurant as a dishwasher to fund your wanderlust addictions. Cuz unless you are independently wealthy, you'll need to be creative to keep warm, fed, and boogying on.

    I really need to find one of those old tee shirts with the "Keep on Truckin" guy on it. LOL

    And I'm always happy to stir up enthusiasm in anyone. In fact I'm gonna go give myself a wee, lil pep talk right now.

  10. ~~~the walking man...
    I sensed before you even told me that you were a survivor when I first found your blog. I think I knew I could learn some powerful things from you.

    I will go write your words down, and place them where I can see them to help me remember to LIVE now. Out of curiosity, did you seek or need professional help to help you through your accidents? Or meds? I would love to hear back on this. I think it will help other people who follow me too to hear from you.

    After-all, a man who writes poetry as well as you do, certainly has wisdom and sensitivity to others.

    Thank you, a solid chunk of advice.

  11. Your post brought tears to my eys. I hope you find that girl again real soon. My thoughts are with you. hugs!

  12. As long as you remember her, you can always connect with that part of yourself! :)

    By the way, not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I always love to visit your blog to read, but it's an extra treat to see what music is playing now. I always enjoy your music selections!

  13. I never told you about my accident... Minor, very minor. But it was in a place Daytonians call 'malfunction junction'. Everyday a pile-up. I dreaded driving through there, but it was my route to work and back. Then one day, as the brake lights all came on in front of me, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw it coming!

    I was so glad when we moved to Xenia that I would never have to drive through there again. So there's your solution... Move to Xenia! We'll be neighbors!

  14. It is a very difficult thing losing a part of yourself and trying to find it again.
    I can relate in a way. Not with PTSD but with being a different person than I use to be. Because of chronic illness I have limited ability to do much anymore, so I am home a lot. Now I struggle with agoraphobia. I miss me the old me too.

    I think we all have our own battles to face, the main thing is we keep trying. My thoughts are with you.

  15. I'm sorry it's so hard for you, but I can well understand it. Remember, you're only a year out.

  16. I wish you well in your recovery, I know it is full of ups and downs. Have you tried riding with somone to visit the places that you want to? Maybe that is harder for you, because you are not the one in control of the car, I don't know. Please try not to isolate yourself, it is good you are blogging to get continued support. I love your picture, you are a beautiful person, inside and out!

  17. I can't imagine what you went are so brave to write about this. I hope this is healing for you... One day that girl will come back. Until then, deep breaths and peace.

  18. lil D-I can go along with that. ok, you're not too far gone. why are so many of us feeling entrapped these days. we definetly need a road trip! ~rick

  19. Wanderlust~what a powerful thing. Thanks for bringing up such a great topic for reflection. Appreciating your openness to share yourself.

  20. Sending you good thoughts.... and I reckon that that girl will jump back up one day.... maybe a little more grown up, but none the less carefree. That's the great thing about humans, even though the spirit takes a bit longer to heal than the body, it will and can heal! You know it! x

  21. With 'Wanderlust' being a word with roots in German, I liked this entry of yours very much.
    Seems as if there are way more people out there, searching...
    As soon as I will have sight will of course inform you. But maybe it is also the change, which makes the beauty of life so valuable and unique - not knowing who we will be within the next decade, however however, hope to know you still then, this time in ten years.

  22. Hi Lille, I'm running late again this week... too much work at work... awful thing, having a job ! LOL !

    Just read through with considerable empathy your feelings here... and can only say: Hang in there and sure as heck don't give up or give in to easy solutions like not going out any more... I think that you are writing about places you want to get to is already a great sign... if you can visualize yourself getting up and going, then you're not so far from actualizing it...

    I think I mentioned to you that I try to throw in a big pinch of fatalism, and a little laughter... you know, like, well, if today is the day I'm going to kick it, at least I'll go out kicking, and if it's a wreck on the road that does me in, something I couldn't avoid and maybe didn't see coming... well at least I was out, trying to get by, trying to live my life to the fullest, and it's happened to plenty of people before me... a price we may have to pay for being able to travel through this world like no one before us...

    And I try to recall too, that after surviving four wrecks already, well, maybe I'm just going survive a few days longer...

    You survived... it was not your time to go... so breathe deep, smile, scream for the joy of being here, and go pack that weekend bag and head for your friend's farm... think how happy they'll be when you turn up on their doorstep !

    And if that goes alright, then next time head for Colorado... go see those Rockies again... and show us all the pictures... you CAN do it... you can't control everything, but you CAN reclaim your life, you seem so articulate about the troubles, I really want to believe that you CAN little be little will the panic away...

    Here's my little prayer : I hope she comes home...

  23. I am warmed through and through by everyone's input, and well wishes. I'd still run the race ahead of me for as long as it takes even if none of you were here to cheer me on to get that part of me back I'm longing to dance with in the rain.

    Having you all with me witnessing the journey and any progress away from the fears, and PTSD is truly a huge wind to fuel my hope.

    Thank you all. And yes, Owen, I will make it. Or I will be a crash test dummy in the meantime trying to do it. LOL You are so right.... I'd rather "go out" wearing a banner stating "I never stopped living so I died trying!"


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