I have always believed in the power of believing, visualizing, and that our thoughts do effect the condition of our lives. I also know it's hard sometimes for anyone, not just me, to keep energy moving in a positive direction. There have been times in this last 15 months since the auto accident that I've had limited vision or hope about my future, and wondered to the point of immense grief if I would ever be "normal" again or pain free, and, especially, emotionally free from the PTSD.
I've learned PTSD has affected me in more ways than "just getting into an automobile" again. It's nearly immobilized me at times from ever leaving the house again. Isolating myself felt more comfortable than taking a risk to go outside in the world where "something "bad" might happen to me. It all comes down to not feeling in control. And I hate not feeling in control. I fight it, and resist changes that I don't know what the outcome will be. That's why driving on the freeway can be so difficult at times. I can drive myself nuts worrying what those other drivers are going to do next to me.
But other areas I've become more protective about is my personal space, and I realized how important my privacy is to me. Many of you know I live on a beautiful lake, right on the water's edge. I have windows on 3 sides that overlook the water. Huge windows on an entire side that let the light in, and I can nearly see to China out those windows. Nearly... I can see an incredible amount of nature from here. It is like I'm on vacation every time I come home.
My life is about to undergo another change. At first, I felt this change was a cruel blow to my serenity, and my peaceful tree house abode. I share the building I live in with other people. It is a really unique, one of a kind maze of units, each one with their very own distinct layout and feel. I have the Queen's Castle, "The Tree House" [my name for it], the Penthouse. Everyone who walks in here wishes they were me. I mean that. Last month my very dear neighbors who had become like family to me, bought their first house, and moved away. I am still in shock they are gone. Happy for them but sick over them not being a few steps away like they'd always been.
My fabulous landlord [and I do mean he is the best I've ever had--EVER] was able to immediately rent their place which is directly below mine. The new people are smokers. Heavy smokers, and some other things I won't go into detail about but I will say their presence has tipped the nest right out of the tree house for Opie Taylor & I. We share the same venting system. They've been told not to smoke by my landlord [they are NOT complying] and even when they smoke on the deck, it all filters up [I should say balloons up, clouds up, fogs up] to my deck making it difficult to sit out there & enjoy the beauty of the lake.
I have worked so hard to stick to being a non-smoker having kicked the habit mid December 08. I'd quit right before the auto accident, too, but wienied out after a month. Then I was in the accident, and that made me smoke like a train going over the Grand Canyon with Thelma and Louise inside riding shotgun with me. I simply cannot risk breathing in someone's else smoke and being triggered every, single day. I've been heart sick about this. And for the first time since I moved in here, I do not feel like I am coming home. It's become an apartment, not my beloved tree house.
But this has led me to a new revelation. Change can be GOOD!
The real gift of being stopped "dead" in your tracks in life by an abrupt directional change you had no choice over, is that it can appear to be negative, when in actual fact it is the very thing you needed to wake you up to living your life. Really "Living" it. It is a sign I should not be trudging along in the same-old-same-old routine [ruts], and need to be "awake" to gifts the Universe is sending me. I am being called to new things, new places to accomplish my 101 Creative To-Do List, and move me out of the past.
I found a SWEET home in the country that sits on a hill. SWEET! SwEet! sWEEt!!! I'll post more on this after I find out if I've been approved to be the watcher of the sky on the hill over looking the lilies in the valley. Yes, there are lilies in the valley and lining the driveway leading up to my castle in the sky.
Who'da ever thunk it????
An unexpected shift from the Universe, that appeared to be the worst situation, may indeed be the trampoline, I get to jump on to kiss the baby blue sky.
I'll keep you posted!!!! Hmmmm, that reminds me..... I gotta get Opie Taylor a parachute so he can jump out of the nest onto the trampoline. And some goggles.