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Saturday, February 6, 2010

Flying Dream: Part Two

Here's the rest of my flying dream... (read part one to see where we left off) There we are, my son and I, hanging out in a bathroom at a Mexican restaurant in downtown Ojai, CA with mousey brown hair dye on our heads.

For those of you who don't know my son, he's been a lead singer & guitar player in rock bands since he was 15, and has probably dyed his hair more often than I have---and that's a LOT! Gotta love creative expression.

Jake becomes concerned about time, and needs to meet Ashley, his wife, so he rinses his hair and bolts out the door. I watch which direction he heads then take my turn in the small sink rinsing the hair dye off my hair. I rinse my head quickly, and run out the door to follow Jake. (I'm a helicopter Mom sometimes... OK most of the time...) I realize he has a pretty good head start so I decide to take a short cut down a side street. I zoom out, and up, to an aerial street map like you see on Google maps and pick my course.

Walking does not seem fast enough so I begin running. My pace picks up, and my legs become gazelle like--stretching out gracefully before me with strides that appear like a super heroine. People start to notice, and make comments, "Wow! Look at that girl running. Her feet are off the ground!" (Yes, I consider myself a girl in a woman's body) I'm elated to see my feet are actually off the ground, and make a decision to fly instead of run since I'm practically flying anyway.

To gain altitude I start making swimming motions with my arms cutting through the air as if it's water. Up, up, up I go... above the buildings, the cars and the people walking on the sidewalks or standing in their yards. Everyone is watching me sail above them. No one has seen someone fly before and this is my 15 minutes of fame. I'm feeling exhilarated, and special, and free. I no longer need to flap my arms, my body is gliding effortlessly as if I weighed the same as a feather.

I'm flying above the main intersection in downtown Ojai where the clock tower is in the center of town. The sky is a vivid, surreal blue. People are crossing the street hurrying to make it before the traffic light changes. In the crosswalk below me are a group of conservative women with shopping bags dangling from their arms. They're clustered tightly together like a quilt made out of polyester squares afraid to touch cotton.

Suddenly a women that resembles the church lady from SNL pulls back from the pack, and points a bony finger up at me as I flit overhead. Her mouth looks like a sea gull's beak, gaping open begging for bread crumbs. I pause in mid flight to discern the words coming from her gullet. They break the perfect, blissful moment my flight has given me as she screams.

"You can't fly! That's not Godly! God doesn't like it when you fly!"

Everyone on the sidewalks and crosswalk stop dead in their tracks. They stare at me barely breathing to see what my reaction will be to her loud accusation. My soul, my heart, my core knows this is not true. Without hesitation my voice resonates through the dead air like a skilled stage actor with perfect diction knowing everyone in the back row of the theater can hear my booming, poised voice.

"F_ _ K, you! God loves it when I fly. He's the One who taught me how to fly in the first place!"

Then off I fly into the sunset as free as a bird. I am free. Finally, I am free.

End of dream....

My son has such a healthy attitude about being different than other people. One time he had a 5 inch hawk (Mohawk) with bleached roots, a 3 inch band of lime green, and black tips. We went out to eat, and the little kids at the table next to us were staring at him. Their parents apologized and said, "Sorry our kids are staring at you but they love the Disney movie "Land Before Time" and they think you are a dinosaur." Everyone in the restaurant laughed, especially my son.

Jake with his leopard look. Ashley created this clever look for him.

Now I really, really, REALLY want to type the "F" word in the sentence above, and not sugar coat it. Ya'll know I never use "that" word here on my blog. (I said on NOT my blog... it's been known to soothe my ruffled feather's on occasion when no other word is bold enough) I prefer to use Frap but it's really the same word.... It's just a matter of switching out a few letters. But I am afraid. Afraid of what you'll think about me if I do.

I know it's just a word. I also know this word is offensive to some people. And let me set the record straight. I love conservative people, freaks, polyester (well I'm kinda lying about that one... OK I am lying right out loud about that one... I truly hate polyester) This is not a post about bashing anyone or anything--except my own fears. Plus, you all know I worry sometimes about what people think about me for having PTSD or panic attacks since May 4, 2008. I "shouldn't" still be afraid to get in a car. I shouldn't be afraid to type the Eff word.

I know some of you would cheer me on to type "it" because you've followed my blog for a long time. Frap is safer to type and this just more Fear being afraid to type a silly word, and that sucks. I loved my dream, and I want to be flipping freer. My spirit knows how to fly. Fudge... I freaking can't stay stuck forever. It's just a frigging word.... Four little letters. I want to let it rip because that's what the dream was all about. Not being afraid. Not allowing people to make me question myself or doubt myself. Not being afraid of what other people think about me even if I do get scared sometimes.... or if I fly too high.... or if I say....


There I said it.

Frap... that was hard.
And yes, I'm cringing a wee bit....
OK a LOT...

Do ya'll still love me?????


  1. YESSS!!!! I love this dream! Thanks for sharing (and writing that word!);-p

  2. FUCK



    Copy and paste the above into a word.doc and then whenever you need it you can just copy and paste it back into your text. Then it will be me having fucking said the word fuck because I love that motherfuking word. It is so fucked up and versatile in all that it can do.

  3. oh, i swear all the time and that word is VERY satisfying. :)
    What i am not a fan of are swear words that demean women... like the 'c' or 'b' and even 'mf'.... i like swear words that aren't insulting directly to other individuals.

    also- LOVE your flying painting, which you know :) and land before time is an AWESOME movie :)

  4. You do all the fucking flying you want, girl!

  5. I'm beginning to breathe again after a night of no sleep due to posting this.

    Thank you, sabel!!

    ~~Mark... I have copied, pasted and have saved these f-bombs to use any time I feel the urge to express myself freely! I humbly thank you for taking the bull by the horns. Whew...

  6. ~~Eco Yogini, my sweet Lisa... I agree with you 2000% about not demeaning women. But this is a satisfying word, and I feel better knowing it makes you feel better using it at times, too~

  7. ~~Eva... I am sitting here with wet britches because I guffawed so hard I widdled myself. FRIENDS: you have to go read this post Eva wrote that is hysterical!!! Here's the link.

    Thank you, Eva, for making me laugh and pee myself. I'm so fucking grateful to see you type this word I have to type it again myself for good measure. I'm FREE!!!!!

  8. Still love you! I used to sound like a sailor, so nothing makes me cringe.

    I love flying dreams too! But my favorites are the under-water dreams. I can breath under-water! It's just like flying only wetter! LOL. I imagine that that is what heaven is like. If I want to fly, I'll just fly...

  9. I so love flying dreams. I'm glad you told the SNL lady off in your dream!
    Maybe if you have enough flying dreams you'll start feeling better and more free? :)

  10. Well, Lille Diane it seems we have a lot in common. I have called myself, musician, artist and author at various times ( I LOVE your artwork). I've sung Wayne Watson songs in my church for years. My son is a drummer in a band (tattoes, pierced tongue and all - I adore him) I enjoyed your blog and will visit again soon. Thanks for following COEXIST!

  11. Well, it looks like you've come into my life at the right time. Fuck is my favorite word, although I've never dropped the bomb on my least I don't think so. ? It's definitely satisfying but for me, only in moderation-on a daily basis though :D
    I can't wait to read your posts, this looks like an intriguing place to be.
    Thank you for following me!

  12. ~~Lily... I knew this post would never make you cringe. You are cooler than cool. I don't think I have ever had an underwater dream. That would be better then Finding Nemo. Seriously! I'm a little green around the gills with envy. OK a LOT! Remember that old gospel song, 'I'll Fly Away'? We are joined at the hip you know. I like that. =] Take me with you next time you dream underwater. I need to get over the fear of water. hugzzzz, Sis!

    ~~tera... Thanks. It was the best dream I've had in years. I truly needed to get that out of my system. I do believe you are right about dreaming more dreams like this. It's a good thing~

    ~~Diane... Isn't this fabulous! Parallel paths, and finding a door through the Internet that brings us together. We are so blessed. And so is your son for having you as his mama~ Welcome to the Lily Pad.

    ~~Cheryl... LOL Thank you for sharing your enthusiasm for this little-huge effing word with me. I use it in the car now. A LOT. Superman can attest to this fact. It sums up a panic filled moment riding in a car can give me in a nutshell. I just fucking let it rip. Saying [typing] "it" on my blog was really huge. I guess you could say I am no longer a virgin in the area. Sigh.... Welcome to the Lily pad~

  13. Lille,

    I love your photography. You are so talented. Enjoyed reading your blog too!

  14. How funny! I say the word fuck and my friends blame me for them using it! Bitches!! Cant help it that they are followers!! :D So now Im going to try using the word, Way, in its place. Will let you know how it goes. ;) Jake sounds like a great guy! Good job mom.

  15. I can relate to your feelings on the *f* word. It's a word for special occasions. Kind of like your good china, or your wedding dress. sometimes it's the only word that will do


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