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Monday, November 21, 2011

A Year After Detoxing

A year ago I was drowning in a sea of medications for mental health, sleep and pain. PTSD had swallowed my mind like a crunchy snack for over three years. My wake up call came after we returned from our honeymoon--it was time to work through my mental dis-ease on my own. The medications had taken a toll on my body, and my mind. I needed to see if I could ever get in a car, or quench my anxiety, fears, unrest or sleep without popping a pill. The desire to face a day, even in pain without a pharmaceutical aid, or a glass of wine, became bigger than my need to mask whatever lurked beneath my fragmented, river of unruly thoughts.

I had to hole up, literally, alone for days at a time. Go inside the pain. Swim, and do belly flops in the deep waters I feared would suck me down, down, down till I had no more air left in my withered lungs. The body aches, and agitation festered, and grew like yeast in warm water inside my belly. I literally writhed in agony, and sleep was illusive. Superman braved the storm of my anger, unleashed and often venomous--his beloved Wonder Woman had become quite unlovely to be around. I was ugly with a capital U. Yet even at my worst, he continued to toss me an anchor of love to hang onto. I honestly don't know how he did it, but somewhere, deep below the troubled waters, he saw I was also becoming BRAVE--with the cap lock on. Letting go of my chemical buoy has been one of the bravest things I've ever done. Ever...

During the last year I have also undergone an intense spiritual awakening. It's been a journey of letting go of all things that held me captive. Old spiritual belief systems I wore around my ankles like a ball and chain fell off as I open my eyes to truth as it was revealed to me. Guilt about what people would think about me, especially loved ones whom I used to walk with in a certain religious faith, dissipated in my new found freedom. I'd always resisted the idea of separation of mankind, as in the ideas taught in many religions of "our way is the only way", "our God is the only God", "heaven and hell", "our book and teachings are the only way to enlightenment", etc, etc, etc... This is also one of the bravest things I've ever done. Seeking, and finding, truth about who I am spiritually has held me up while treading the waters of rediscovery. I know without a doubt I am a part of journey designed by the Universe that only wants the utmost good for me, and all of mankind. I am eternally evolving. We all are.

My body still hurts, a lot, on a daily basis. I'm chronically tired. I fight the grip of isolation, and on most days would rather never leave my house or talk to loved ones on the phone. But on a whole, especially looking back in hindsight, I am indeed a whole new person I've grown to love and respect. I'm healing and my bouts with PTSD are lessening. My fears feel more manageable when I can laugh at them instead of believe them as truths. I sleep like a baby most nights. I rest when I need to. I've found unlimited tranqulity being in nature; my new church, my new swimming hole. I don't beat myself up for gaining weight due to the lack of physical agility I had before the auto accident. Fat floats--right? I share any toxic messages forming in my brain to my higher power or Superman instead of allowing them to explode inside me. My inner water wings are holding me up, and my Superman, is still faithfully floating beside me.

I am not advocating anyone stop taking medications without consulting with their doctors. I am only discussing what was right for me. I had to see what it was like to experience my world, my thoughts and my personal swimming lessons un-medicated. This post is merely a reflection on the laps I've swam in the last year.

My hope is that I can continue to be brave.
For another day, another week, another month.
Another year.
With all my toes in the waters of life.

What's the bravest thing you've ever done?


  1. I love you, Woodstock. You are a brave inspiring woman! Like Superman, I never stop loving you.

  2. Hi, thank you so much for shearing, i can very much relate to your story.We could always meet and discass some more...I still didnt put it on the paper, but one day i will.

  3. Bless you, Sweetie. Hang in there! Love, hugs and prayers to you both. Kiss that Opie cat for me! :)


    1. Tera, I hung in there! I truly did! Opie says hello, too! I hope this works and you get my love letter. xo

  4. Ahhhh a great post! hugs to you - and your twinkle toes! x

  5. I admire you so much, Lille. I've missed you, my friend. I'm so happy you are getting better and swimming. It is healing. 20 years ago I had a bad riding accident and broke both of my arms at the same time. Swimming saved my and gave me my courage back. xoxo Terah

  6. You are so very brave. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful, inspiring story.

    "The desire to face a day, even in pain without a pharmaceutical aid, or a glass of wine, became bigger than my need to mask whatever lurked beneath my fragmented, river of unruly thoughts." <-- a feeling like this has preceded all of my biggest breakthroughs in life. When the pain of staying the same gets worse than the pain of staying.

  7. My, Lille Diane, just let me stay away for a year, and I come back to find that you've really be through the mill. I like your disclaimer as it can be a real drag to stop some of those drugs cold-turkey. I know this from experience.

  8. just checked in to see how things were going..haven't read in a while.

    I loved what you said about faith, religion and letting the shackles fall off!! I have been through a similar transformation it seems. I worry a lot about judgement..esp in my family about such things. But I, like you, believe I have every right to work with the Universe and be happy. It's all about unconditional love, right??

    I hope your recovery is filled with love and understanding. I hope you are feeling awesome these days!

    Love and light, Suzy

  9. PTSD stinks - all I can say from one who has been there is that it does eventually get easier (or perhaps you just get smarter at dealing with it), it's now 7 years since I was in a very nasty mental place and I am happy to say there is now, light, love and joy in my life, some days still stink, but now it's just 'some days' rather than every day. Well done brave lady, hang in there. PS found you through Life book - sending big sparkly hugs.

  10. From one who has been there PTSD stinks, so far 7 years later and my life again has light, joy and love. Some days not so great, still get the odd anxiety attack and sleepless night (or worse the nightmares from which I wake sobbing), but things are definitely better. So sending you big sparkly hugs brave lady! PS came here from LifeBook

  11. Thank you for sharing, I am dealing with these very things currently. I was also in a very bad car accident. Oddly, I stumbled upon your blog. Thank you for sharing!

    God Bless,

  12. HELL YEAH! Great post full of all sorts of courage and depth ( two things I sorely lack) You are awesome and thank you!


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